[extreme environments]

silas denver melvin

pledge

you must be patient

& you must be hurt.

you must first be brute.

you must

have the light

smacked

out of your head,

spinning, spilling

from you

like skeins

of yarn unclasped.

you must be afraid

& you must

walk forward.

you must watch

your heart close

like the tight-seam

of a clam.

you must be spite

& no mouth.

you must be

well acquainted

with the talon-tooth

of a hammer's smile.

you must be meteorite

& stupid, stupid.

you must

know your bleed,

the dazzle

of you on the lawn,

streaked across

the pillowcase

like a dash

of rogue yolk.

you must feel

along the wall

for the give,

for the crook

you can

hook fingers into.

you must plan

your days

days ahead.

you must bend

at the knee.

you must be

private & you

must be vicious.

you must

be the only one

who decides

your limits.

little & brilliant

chickadee,

you must know

there is a life

beyond this life

& when you get

started, when you

get out

the gate,

my small &

unwell friend,

there will be

a wonderful

green world

oh, waiting

oh, just waiting.

                  listen,

you must

never forget

all the before

& you must

never

allow it

again.

let me not forget

the bike chain, the stain on the driveway,

the chipped teeth, the cold nights during fall, winter, & spring,

but winter most of all. let me not forget the dogpiss

& wrenching out tears, the shake of bootfalls

on the backstep. let me not forget the dishes

always dirty in the sink & the cats yowling in the basement.

the blackmold. the fridge that did not close shut completely.

the showerhead that never sang with hot water.

let me not forget the plates

thrown like dolls,

the shatter, the cheap ceramic pinched up with stale bread.

let me not forget the drywall nails in a paint can

& the holes chewed through the porch.

let me not forget the damp. the smell. the musk.

the days spent in anticipation so awful

i was sick enough to bleed.

the night not even a relief. let me not forget

there was no relief; how it carried. how i carried it

in my teeth, in my calcium. how it could start again

at any moment, the spoon just plunged into a yogurt,

the front door swung shut by a summer’s breeze.

let me not forget there was no catalyst.

that anything could be catalyst. let me not forget

my very existence could ruin my existence.

let me not forget the body, the way

it registers a familiar fear: the kick of the shoulders,

the eyes flitting for any mousehole to hide in.

let me not forget the furious weight of survival,

how it threaded through me to the marrow.

i was embroidered with it: my body

peppered with this sad silk,

the ribbon frayed, clutched between the gaps in me.

when there was wind, there was whistling,

something almost akin to a song.

Christopher Kondrich